nBp

Have you ever felt so consumed in your everyday life that you lost a sense of artistic direction? 

It’s something I’m realizing now. I was so wrapped up in work, finding a new job, school and whatever else that I could fit into my schedule that I wasn’t tapping into my creative side. And I think I became a little depressed because of it. I had to shoot images for school and it was fun finding my themes in the city but it felt scripted. I was being told what to shoot rather than shooting what was stimulating to me. It was challenging (which I know is the point) and made me feel out of my comfort zone (again part of the class). But now that class is complete, I’m feeling unmotivated to shoot for me.

I need to find inspiration. 

The biggest battle of all is with yourself, your mind. Once you’ve been to hell and back because of a horrific relationship, everything is skewed. Your guard is always up and in the event that you let it down a bit, something so minuscule can put it right back up. And it doesn’t matter if it’s something new or if you’re re-visiting traveled ground. It’s all in your own head. It’s hard having to teach yourself to evaluate a situation and leave all the past experiences out of your interpretation. If you don’t, it will only affect the reality of what’s going on. 

You know what you deserve in this life but until you win the battle with yourself, you won’t allow yourself to find happiness with anyone. 

To me, that is a true test of life. 

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

You tend to forget that the older you get the older your parents get too. As a kid you look up to them like they have super powers. Your dad can fix just about anything and your mom always knows how to make you feel better. But as I get older, I have occasionally forgotten that they are growing old too. Maybe it’s because I’m 1,200 miles away from them and the only time I’m exposed to the reality of it is a few times a year or when something happens with either of them health wise.

I remember when I was 16 I could not wait to move out. I had enough of them. They didn’t understand me and kept trying to control everything about me. So when 18 rolled around I didn’t hesitate to spread my wings and get out of that po-dunk little town I grew up in on the lake. Now that I am 27, I am missing the crap out of my family. I have so much going for me right now that I can’t really just up and move to Denver when all of me wishes I could. 

I got a call from my mom last night about a reconstructive surgery she will have to have and it scared the living shit out of me. I started to feel guilty that I live so far away. I know deep down they understand where I am in my life and they support and are proud of me for everything I am doing. That feeling only goes so far for me. It makes me want to fast forward a few years from now when I am done with my Digital Photography degree and I’m starting that next chapter of my life, aka turning 30. 

I see myself there with them.

I just have to remind myself to enjoy my time here and take every bit of it in. I love you Ohio but our time is limited. 

Life is weird and crazy and filled with so many ups and downs. Things happen to people that shouldn’t and you do things you are not proud of. But that’s what makes us human. Anyone who thinks that life is easy is freaking crazy. Trust me. Unless you live in a bubble and have been provided for your whole life, you know what I’m talking about. But even they have their “issues”.

Through all of the bullshit and obstacles, you can still find happiness. But it starts with forgiving and believing in yourself. You have to truly love  yourself before you can love anyone else. It’s preached because it’s true not because it’s something someone wants you to hear. With that being said, you have to learn to love yourself before you can allow anyone else to love you. I am surrounded by people who seek affirmation in others to fill that void they are not providing for themselves. Which leads to failed relationships, lack of trust and a general feeling of loneliness. I know it because I’ve lived it. I had to be beaten down so badly by someone who hated himself for me to realize that I’ve been putting myself in the same situation for years with men who don’t believe in themselves. Which explains why I’ve been single for about 3 years. It’s a healing process that took a lot of steps for me to get where I am. I’ve slipped backwards a few times but was able to catch myself before I lost my stability. Only you can provide the legs that you need to walk forward with. It’s up to you to keep those legs strong. No one else can provide that for you. 

Whitney Houston put it best:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadow 
If I fail, if I succeed 
At least I live as I believe 
No matter what they take from me 
They can’t take away my dignity 
Because the greatest love of all 
Is happening to me 
I found the greatest love of all 
Inside of me 
The greatest love of all 
Is easy to achieve 
Learning to love yourself 
It is the greatest love of all 

This last year I’ve displayed and presented my work to more than just my friends. Being back in school for Digital Photography has allowed me to broaden that audience even more. “What kind of Photographer are you?” is a question that I’ve been asked more than I can count in the last 6 months. To me, that’s like asking what kind of person are you? If I had to define myself I could use a dozen different descriptors to really give my audience a glimpse of who I really am. But does it matter? I’ve always assumed that if you enjoy taking pictures, you don’t need a label. And honestly, I don’t like the pressure of really having to define that. I’ve never been a girl you could define. I’m weird, I know that for certain and I love my family and friends. That’s all I got for you. But if I truly had to define my focus, I would say that it’s urban explorer meets anything that catches my eye. Not everything is worth photographing but even the most routine spaces or objects can be turned into art. Will I ever be able to make anything out of it? Who knows. I’m just glad I have a skill that I can better with time and truly enjoy. Not everyone can say that. 

I’m grateful. 

NBP, out.